Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
