and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
