I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
