I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize