I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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