my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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