How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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