Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
You can't special order awesome
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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