get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
