Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
