I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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