I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
