I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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