and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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