please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
