so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
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