she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize