it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
