She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
