i think my tv is drunk
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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