Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
