I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
