Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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