you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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