Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
