She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
