20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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