I cockslap morals
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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