I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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