I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
