So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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