five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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