so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize