I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
