i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
