Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
