mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
