You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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