your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
that is very illegal...i love you.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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