Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize