Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
i drank out of a bidet.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
