Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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