I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
