John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
My bed smells like the plague
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize