I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
