You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Please don't give away my fajitas
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