Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
