I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
