Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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