I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
