where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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