you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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