everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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