I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize