i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Holy shit dude........stairs
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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