I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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