You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
