my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
