i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
