You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
