I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
