if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
