Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
