Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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