Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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