Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
